For Hire: Defining Artist of Our Generation
I am looking to hire an artist, but not just any artist. The position entails filling a major gap in the music industry, having extreme social influence, and in turn pays very well. I have been looking for the perfect applicant for this position for quite some time now, but it seems the necessary qualifications may be too far-fetched, or perhaps my view of the current job market is not realistic. Regardless, I will not lower my expectations: the weight of the entire industry’s well-being is at stake. If the position, defining artist of our generation, sounds like you or someone you know then please don’t hesitate to reach out.
First and foremost, I am looking for an artist who is very much themself. If we are going to take you to the top and you are to represent the distraught youth plagued by screen-ubiquity & the commercialization of fandom–you must be yourself. What does this entail? A simultaneous grasp, understanding, and love of one’s self and the importance of social media in today’s market. You must portray yourself on these online platforms EXACTLY as you are in person. A minor slip up could result in an immediate loss of respect from fans and critics–many times this degradation is irreversible. For this reason, if you are applying, please ensure that you have not done anything wrong in your private life, or if you have, then ensure that the evidence is destroyed and nobody you know will ever reveal anything for their own profit. Every tweet, Vine, Facebook status from middle school, and selfie stored in the Cloud has the potential to embarrass you, destroy you, and will likely lead to an immediate forced resignation from this acclaimed position. Furthermore, if fired, there will be no insurance or benefits to protect you. Don’t worry, this qualification is the most intense of the bunch.
Second (but of equal importance), I am looking for an artist who is completely original. I realize that tens of thousands of albums are released each year, but we’re not looking for someone who fits in. If the term genre-defying applies to you, then you’re headed in the right direction. For example, we encourage you to use electronic elements in your music whilst also incorporating live instruments, and if you can bring in an instrument or modulator which has never been used/recorded before that would be fantastic. So remember 1. Be yourself. 2. Be different. This alludes to the fact that we’re looking for someone deserving of the title–a genuine freak of nature exuding nothing but positivity.
Third, it’s important that you recognize that entertainment is not like government–there is no separation of self, church, and state. Religiously speaking, your best bet is to accept all religions simultaneously under a spiritual guise. This has proven to be a formula which works best as affirmed by any of the past greats. Politically speaking, you have to be sure to stand for something, but not too much. If you dive too deep and don’t know the facts then–going back to the first quality–you appear to be a fraud. But if you don’t get your toes wet (and probably shins, too), then you’re materialistic and apathetic which is worse than being a fraud. Furthermore, if religion and politics begin to overlap–god forbid you publicly take a side in the Israel-Palestine conflict–then you will represent only half of a generation, which isn’t saying much.
Fourth, and lastly, we’re going to need you to be touring just about everywhere but releasing music often (both flawlessly). Recording and performing must be the next best thing to eating and drinking: you must love both, because that’s what you’ll do…all you’ll do. Sleep is important but you can do that in transit. Late nights out will be your form of leisure and meals with important people will be your socializing. You will enjoy every minute of it! Plus it’s said that the fans give you energy.
If you meet all–NOT SOME–of these qualities, are selected for hire, and your content proves worthy in our month-long trial period, then success, wealth, and love are yours for the taking.
Artists of all types have it very difficult, as society simply was not structured to support them- SO SUPPORT THEM. Buy a t-shirt, go to a show, and share their content with your friends…it does not go unnoticed.