Published on February 1st, 2018. How’d we do?
We are one month into 2018 and to nobody’s surprise the music industry is in a weird place.
Electronic music is bleh, hip hop is burr, and indie music is electronic music. Nothing really
makes sense anymore which is ok. As Mija loves to slap on t-shirts: fuck a genre. So going into
2018, is there a formula or specific sound that works? Having predicted the success of
countless artists- “I swear to you I reposted the track when it only had 300 plays and now it has
three million” – I am going to do you the honor of telling you what will work, what will not work,
and roughly exactly what is going to happen during the remaining 11 months of the year. You
should take everything I say quite literally and please do not refrain from quoting me in the
comments on social media explaining why I am right.
2018 is the year of soundcloud. In the month of June, SoundCloud will finally realize what
they’ve been doing wrong all along… Black and orange just never was a great color scheme. In
combining Ruby Red with Sapphire Blue, the millennial audience will quickly be seduced and
the site’s bitrate with spontaneously quadruple. Finally “SoundCloud Rap” will be deemed as a
cultural artform of the utmost value. Chance the Rapper will begin teaching Lil Pump and any
other willing “Lil _____” English lessons and form his army which will challenge all of the major
labels one by one.
2018 is the year where ghostwriting is out and politics are in. In partnering with Juul vapor,
Kanye will go onto be appointed as Trump’s chief of staff and the pact which ensured separation
between Illuminati and State for decades will be broken. This will prompt the release of Blue
Ivy’s first album- written and produced by the spookiest and most notorious industry forceeffectively
keeping ghost writers busy, wealthy and unreachable for the remainder of the year.
Drake, cooped up in his room alone without ghostwriters, will launch a late night talk show with
Steve of Stranger Things: “In the Eve, With Drake and Steve.” Their first guest will be Dennis
Rodman, giving them an immediate political edge.
2018 is the year of hair. If you don’t have a stylish, colorful, or unique haircut- sorry buddy…
wait for 2019. With this in mind, Mija and Billy Kenny’s B2B at Bonaroo will be considered the
set of the year without a doubt. Gus Dapperton’s bowl cut phenomenon will reach social circles
who will first join in ironically, much like Migos’ fast sunglasses, but quickly will participate
unironically and force a new staple of popular culture. If Skrillex begins experimenting with hair
gel, we can expect big things… Dillon Francis on the other hand won’t have much success as
his hair is less enticing than most college football players.
2018 is the year Woodstock comes back. No, literally. With holograms of all the original
performances and augmented reality domes, promoters are pushing the message- “Let’s bring it
back to 69, we’re capitalizing off the past and fetishization of deceased performers like never
before.” The radiation and microwaves used to make the event possible are expected to chart
collectively worse for the attendees health than the combination of all substances consumed
2018 is the year Coachella is cool again! It’s projected not to be 150 degrees, you won’t see that
guy you hate from high school, it will be a mature and sober audience, and there won’t be any
dust or technical difficulties either weekend. Outside Lands on the other hand is mainstreamed
and the festival will be shut down on day 2 as the park is deemed unsafe due to the amount of
littered Kandi and distraught underage attendees rioting outside of the Heineken house.