As we come to the end of January, we are excited to announce that after some thorough data mining and copious AI calendar simulations, we are prepared to release our major predictions for how the rest of 2019 will play out in music. While we don’t recommend betting on these choices (who knows whether we’ll even make it to 2020 as a species), you can count on the fact that we’ve done heaps of research and stand by our opinions.
2019 is the year that Juul pods collide with AirPods
Juul, no longer permitted to experiment with flavors, is forced to adapt and will begin to take their hardware to new heights by mimicking the innovative radio-toothbrushes of the 90’s. Consumers will be able to load 60 seconds of audio to their Juul’s, prompting an influx of minute-long tracks by influencers turned musicians. As Jake Paul excitedly told this reporter, “People older than 12 never liked my music to start with, and after a while even the middle schoolers stopped listening…but now with the Juul’s audio features, kids will literally get addicted to it – thanks Juul!!”
2019 is the year of sequels
Much like most of Hollywood’s recent approach to cinema, 2019 marks the year of sequel albums. You can expect watered down versions of all of your favorite albums- Kendrick’s Good Young Adult, Maad City, Frank Ocean’s Channel Millennial Pink, and Porter Robinson’s Universes (Worlds 2) are some of the big highlights. Of course, none of these albums will feature the original artists or writers but clear-cut NDA’s will do their best to hide this from the consumer.
2019 is the year politics and music get closer
Politics and music will continue to intermix at deeper and objectively weirder levels as American society grows more confused than ever. Kamala Harris’ campaign anthem, co-produced by Tiesto and Calvin Harris, will premiere weekend one of Coachella. The track features both hers and Donald Trump’s vocals and it’s a certified big room BANGER (put your f***n votes up!). We have exclusive access to the song’s title: “Get Smart In The House”
2019 is the year of Dirtybird Boarding School
Having won the title “Label of the Decade”, the Dirtybird team will make its next logical jump: from BBQ to Quarterly to Campout, they now bring you Dirtybird Boarding School. This month-long festival will take over an abandoned school in northern California and feature courses including Zoology with Sacha Robotti, Pizza as an Artform with Justin Martin, Digital Marketing through Comedy with Fisher, and Claude’s Calisthenics. Attendees must enroll in a minimum of 12 units and log at least 4 hours of dancing per day in order to receive their Dirtybird Accreditation. The festival is currently rumored to be taking place at Roosevelt Middle School in Oakland, but check back here for updates.
2019 is the year of Spotify 4Ever Subscriptions
As Spotify execs clamor over Jeff Bezos’ recent misfortune, they’ll proclaim, “Music is way sicker than books! Let’s take over the world.” An at-first questionable decision to buy out both Tidal and Soundcloud will cause Spotify shares to skyrocket, thus winning the exclusive debut of co-producers Kanye West and Skrillex. Internet Fuck, as the new super duo calls themselves, will go on to release the first ever nano-chip album, only available through Spotify 4Ever-branded pills and IV’s. Apple Music, unable to compete with the technological firepower of Internet Fuck, will be forced to shut down by year’s end, signaling the close of the streaming race era.
SPOILER ALERT: While you listen to the music, the music will be listening to you.
2019 is the year of SOULJA BOY
Mumble Rap – made popular by Gucci Mane, Chief Keef, and Future – will lose its place in the mainstream as Soulja Boy triumphantly reclaims the innovation throne with his invention of Tingle Rap. Combining the techniques of ASMRtists and the sound design of OG dubstep producers, this will be the first genre of music which targets a tactile response rather than an auditory one. Critics will make the claim (of questionable political-correctness) that they finally understand why the deaf still enjoy listening to music.
2019 is the year getting locked up could be the right career move
As more prominent artists are jailed in 2019, the major labels will successfully lobby the introduction of a Senate bill entitled “Locked Up Studio Law” in which artists with major label deals will be placed in an industry-funded prison and allowed to continue creating with the highest-class resources. The state will own rights to 10% of the proceeding royalties, with the majors taking home the remainder, as is tradition. Highly controversial yet critically acclaimed, Tekashi69’s collaborative album with R Kelly (he’ll be locked up by then) entitled “We’ll See U In Hell” will be viewed as one of the most notable ethical dilemmas in recent art history.
2019 is the year Marie Kondo fine-tunes music
After the recent success of her Netflix program, Tidying Up With Marie Kondo, the Japanese maven of organization takes her talents to Ableton. Having coincidentally followed a trail of litter into a Berlin club during her PR tour, Marie witnessed the latter of half of The Black Madonna rinsing an absolutely mental set. She took notes and immediately fell in love with the structure and order which house and techno rely on. “It sparks a similar joy as cleaning,” she remarked. After taking a 3 month production course at ICON Collective, she will now dedicate her career to “fine-tuning” the music of the world’s most renowned producers. Rumor has it, she has production credits on 9 of the 12 tracks on Diplo’s next studio album and a new television show is in the works.
MORE NOTABLE EVENTS AND PREDICTIONS:
Justin Jay shatters the world record of most sets played in one year with 543.
Gesaffelstein retires from music for good and begins releasing “music” under a new moniker – The Weekdy.
Fyre Festival announces its second year at the same location – Billy McFarland raises $15,000,000+ for charity and his festival is deemed the Woodstock of our generation.
Elon Musk starts dating Avril Lavigne and funds a chart-topping comeback.
The winner of American Idol finds commercial success for the first time in over half a decade.
Los Angeles opens its first club which combines good sound, good bookings, and a good crowd.
The terms Wook, Afters, and Woogie are added to Webster’s Dictionary.